DATING DESPAIR

I thought online dating would broaden my horizons, make it easier to meet new people and bring me one step closer to meeting "the one". Four days after I started, I've realised that the whole enterprise is futile and fraudulent.

First of all, you have no idea who's actually paid their dues. So, if you send a message to your online fantasy-woman, there's no guarantee she'll read it, let alone reply.

Second, of the thousands of eligible bachelorettes on JDate and living in the UK, most are inadequate, ugly hephalumps who's introversion in the real world is sadly lacking online. Every few minutes I get a message from someone wanting to bend my virtual ear. I refuse, and their face - and profile - slowly slides away, off the screen and out of my life for ever.

Third, and most guttingly of all, the same has happened to me with at least two girls. One, a sepia-framed 31-year old teacher; the other, a 26-year old, Jew-frod Sephardi. Both stood out because they were actually pleasing on the eye, rather than gauging. Neither wanted to chat with me. Was it my photo? Or perhaps my demands for a woman with intellect, wit, an ample bosom, perfect teeth and an ability to reverse park?

So, just days after my online dating odyssey began, I'm already having my doubts. So far I've managed to woo just one punter - a 22-year old student, with another, a 29-year old nursery teacher, just a possibility. Gorgeous Dutch girl - the one whose picture prompted me to cough up and sign up in the first place - hasn't even opened my message. I don't think I'll be renewing my subscription.