LIGHTWEIGHT

Two beers and a pizza, and I feel pissed. This is not the way it was supposed to be. How can couple of over-priced Peroni's work its way into my system so quickly and with such light-headed consequences? Is that what being 30 is all about?

Okay, so I've never been a particularly big drinker. A couple of vodka and oranges and I'm already making a mischief of myself with the ladies, a prelude to an inauspicious vomitathon in the gents' loos.

Having said that, I haven't been bladdered for over three years now. Ever since I mixed a prized, white Chateauneuf du Papes, several cocktails, more wine and a few beers - and no dinner.

Pretty it wasn't. Messy it was. At one point I actually ended up chewing a girl's ear. She forgave me (I think she fancied me anyway). And for my troubles, she brought me water. Clearing up the mess in the bogs was beyond her remit, though, and who could blame her?

For my part, I learnt my lesson. I seldom drink and when I do, I rarely get pissed (properly). Mostly it's for fear that a beer gut could append itself to my food gut. Now there's a thought.