DON'T DO AS I DO

I like to think of myself as a bit of a stockmarket guru. But then I like to think of myself as the finest slice of [salt]-beef cake; a six-foot stud who only has to blink at a woman for her to melt.

Sadly, I am none of these. I'm 5'11' with a tightly-held paunch. People tell me I look like Mulder off the X-Files. And my favourite hobby - according to time spent - appears to be blogging (or, as we call it England, wanking). Oh, and I can't stock-pick to save my life.

Actually that's not entirely true. I'm generally very good at picking dogs. Professionals buy low and sell high. I tend to do the opposite. This week, after everyone and his wife and his wife's friend's dog's neighbour's aunt had already piled into Google, I decided it was time to take the plunge. Twenty-four hours later a Japanese Net firm gets raided and Google tanks. Plus ca change!

Ooh. I almost forgot, Rosa the Brazilian cleaner was also on fine form when she put my red wine in the fridge. Classy! And her countrybird, Mariella, cancelled on me. So I still haven't Christened my new bed. Though come who may, I'm pretty much settled on the name Bob. Buenas noches.